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Sunday, March 18th, 2007
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11:43 am - An Open Letter To The World
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I'm a nice guy. I get that. I was raised to treat other people well. Respect is a pretty big deal. You treat other people nicely, or at least with some modicum of common courtesy, and it should be returned to you. I don't care if it's false, if there's no real sentiment or interest behind it, that doesn't matter. When I do something courtious for you, I expect you to at least make the effort, regardless of how small and pathetic it is.
That being said, I'm fucking sick of people shitting on me because I'm a nice guy. I'm fucking fed up with it. I'm not speaking to any one event, not even a string of events. I'm speaking to a lifetime of this. I'm sick and tired of it, and it's driving me fucking insane.
When I ask you how you day was, I expect to get more than a one word answer. It's that simple. I don't care if it sucked. I don't care if you didn't do anything. I expect to hear more from you than "fine." If I'm asking you in the first place, it means that I actually care. If all I wanted was some terse one word answer, I probably wouldn't have asked in the first fucking place. I know that might be a lot to ask, but it's not difficult, no matter how fucking susinct you think you may be.
And if I ask you how you day was, because I actually do care, it would be nice to get asked in return from time to time. Now, I understand that you may not care like I do, and that's fine, I understand that, but not inquiring about my day, especially if you have given me more than just a one word reply, is just fucking rude. The implication is simple, you don't give a shit. Not about my day, but about me in general. Yeah, I know that's a bit of a jump there, let me walk you through it. If you cared one whit about me, in general, you'd suck it up and ask how my day was, even if you didn't care. That's what nice people do. That's what friends do.
So now, when I don't live up to my own standards, you can call me on it, fine be my guest. And maybe I won't feel this way five minutes from now, but for the moment, I'm sick and tired of being treated like shit. I can't stand it anymore. Be warned.
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| Thursday, June 15th, 2006
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11:32 pm
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I spent the day raging. Raging against genetics, against culture, against upbringing. Raging against prowlers, and regression, and thouroughness vs. efficency. Against faulty AC and a steadily drying pool of conversation topics. Against fear and sorrow and depression. Raging against rudeness and people who wear far too much perfume. I had to laugh to keep from exploding, and I still felt inadiquite, insignificant, immature. My rage may be internal, and impotent, but it is voluminous and enduring. It's just days like today that bring it out of its protective ziplock bag. A ziplock bag full of rage.
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, May 7th, 2006
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1:42 am - 200 Words: Briefly
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Got a new cell phone today. Now I can have MP3 ringtones. Unfortunatly, now that I have them, the problem becomes what should I use?
Any Suggestions?
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, May 6th, 2006
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1:36 am - 200 Words: Triangula Trade!
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Tried to make Pressure Cooker Chili tonight from a recipe off of Good Eats. To say it was a fiasco would be an understatement. Ryan was right, the minute you deviate from the recipe, you're done. From that point on, anything you make is going to taste like the bitter ashes that remain after your culinary aspirations go up in smoke.
The midterm was completely easy. I don't know why I was so worried. For instance:
Essay Question: Was Columbus' arrival in the New World something to be celebrated or regreted? Make sure you look at his motivations, his observations, and his treatment of the natives.
This of course followed the multiple choice answer:
Columbus was_____
b) a drunken sailor who crashed his ship, got his men killed, and ran the colonies so poorly that he was arrested and sent back to Spain.
Now I'm not by any stretch of the imagination a Columbus supporter. I think it's a supreme and fitting irony that the continents he initiated the colonization of should be named not after him, but after an Italian mapmaker. But it just seems to me that someone in charge of this class has a bone to pick with Columbus.
Maybe Columbus killed his dog. With smallpox.
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| Friday, May 5th, 2006
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1:35 am - 200 Words: Edmund Andros
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I've read 200 pages of American history in the last four days. I majored in this stuff, and yet I'm still worried about an essay and multiple choice midterm. I'm going into the city tomorrow to fill out the paperwork for the job Nick was kind enough to furnish me with. Slackers of the world, untie! You have nothing to gain but your shackels.
The weirdest thought to cross my mind today: "Believe me, you don't want to cook in the nude. No one likes wang-burns."
current music: Los Angeles I'm Yours, by the Decemberists
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| Thursday, May 4th, 2006
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2:26 am - 200 Words: Fables for the Garden State Set
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I know this is going to sound retardiculous, but I found myself wondering how different my life would have been if I'd started watching the TV show Scrubs earlier than just last year. I've never been one to advocate taking life lessions from a TV show, but there's something so candid, so nuanced about some of the messages on that show, particularly when it comes to matters of love, that I can't help but see the validity. Yes, love and life are never easy, they're never simple, like in the movies, and anyone who thinks they are is deluding themselves. You need to be willing to work at them all the time. That's a brave idea.
Thus sayeth the Scrubs.
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| Monday, May 1st, 2006
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11:16 pm - 200 Words: I'm So EMO!
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I feel like breaking myself into small pieces, just so I can observe myself unfettered. It seems everyone else could see the rut I'm in far more clearly than I could, head in the clouds, or caught up in bursts of steam. Having your shortcomings enumerated to you doesn't negate their existence, though, nor does it bring those much tauted moments of lucid solutions. It just leaves a bad taste in your mouth.
I've been trying to start a story for the past six months. Just this last week, I decided to create the world first, in the hope that the words will grow organically from the details. I spent far too much time this afternoon trying to decide how ancient magic would have shaped the development of early agrarian societies. I feel like I should earn twice the nerd-cred for that line of thought. Fleshed out a little more, I'd have a plausible Discovery Channel special. Those people will put *anything* on the air.
I'm working on leaving lasting impressions. Some results could be made through the two-pronged combination of stopping bathing and using deodorant, but I'm aiming for more of a mental impression, than a noxious one. Thus this plan returns to the drawing board.
current music: The Freshmen
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| Tuesday, April 25th, 2006
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1:37 am - Empty Threats?
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Since this place has all but lapsed as a center for incoherent rants and semi-cryptic angst, I've decided to turn it into something different, something more suited to its position, deep in the hinterland of cyberspace, off a little used exit from the information super-highway (remember that?). Coming soon, Señor Taco will become the new headquarters for my "200 Words a Day" project. The concept is simple: Write *something* everyday. It's not going to be 200 words everyday. Some days it might be a list of thoughts, somedays a short short story, or even a snippet of dialogue. It's certainly not always going to be good. It's probably going to be pretty bad most of the time, but that's not the point. The point is constant creation. A new thought, or an old one refined, presented to the world at large (or at least my friends) each day. I may or may not make every post viewable to all. there might be some posts which are just for the guys, just for a smaller few, or for no one at all. But above all, the point is to write. To write something, and to write it every day.
current mood: artistic
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| Wednesday, March 1st, 2006
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11:29 pm - Außer Dir
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Listening to German music over the sound of the rain. And then the rain over the sound of the music.
I've been reluctant to post because there are moments when my life feels ill-fitting.
I feel like I've been wasting my time. There were goals I set out to achieve, and I've been shirking them. I have new goals and priorities, of course, but I have to find some way to serve both.
Happy, but also worried, and guilty.
So that's where I am.
current music: Wir Sind Helden
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, October 29th, 2005
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12:06 am - Now this is what the Blogsphere is all about.
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25 things about me, if for no other reason than everyone else is doing it.
1. I often have difficulty expressing thoughts that are important to me. The less consequence something holds, the more elequent I can be.
2. This is my favorite time of the year, from when it begins to get cold in October through New Years.
3. I enjoy listening to the Sex Pistols, but only in a historical context.
4. Somewhere along the way I lost the ability to meet and connect with people. I'm worried it won't come back.
5. As narcisistic as it may seem, I enjoy rereading things I've writen. Sometimes I even impress myself.
6. Sometimes I wonder just how much I'm deluding myself. Often the answer is "quite a bit".
7. I'm trying to update my image.
8. I find intelligence, humor, and/or wit as atractive, if not more attractive, than physical appearance.
9. One of my favorite activities is visiting weird crackpot cryptozoology and conspiracy theory websites, because it creeps me out. My favorite theory is that the New World Order has built a huge, evil, underground complex under the Denver International Airport.
10. I often can't watch TV shows about younger people dating (for instance, those shows on MTV about rich kid's proms, college parties, etc) because I feel like I missed out on something.
11. All of my best work is unoriginal.
12. I've considered taking up religion just to meet girls.
13. I'm not a compulsive buyer, but every once in a while I will be struck with the urge to get something, and, most of the time, I can't think about anything else until I have it.
14. I enjoy reading the back covers of history books I'll never buy.
15. I don't like my body, and nothing I do seems to make the slightest difference.
16. I want to go on a long, solo roadtrip.
17. Despite being half-japanese, I generally think of myself as white.
18. My lovelife and my sexlife are both non-existant, and it doesn't seem like that's going to change anytime soon.
19. And, despite feeling lonely most of the time, I'm begining to be kinda okay with that.
20. When I'm in the car, by myself, I sing. Loudly. With the windows down.
21. Every time I watch a zombie movie, I find myself thinking about how I'd survive in that situation. I think I'd actually do pretty well.
22. I'm still very much in love. It's in the hope department where I'm currently lacking.
23. I have to finish the book I'm reading before I start on another.
24. I don't ever want to take a polygraph test.
25. My lucky number is 20
Aaron, Emily, and Karl (if you still use LJ) I'm tagging you guys. Get thee to the writing.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, October 19th, 2005
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1:33 pm
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Music Title Prophecies: Go to your whatever you use to listen to mp3s and shuffle songs. Say the following questions as you're about to start, and after each one, skip to the next song. Use the song title as the answer to the question.
Yes, I'm stealing this from nick, including the inane commentary.
1. What do you think of me, iTunes?
Steam- Peter Gabriel
"Oh, you think I'm hot, like steam. Rock on..."
2. Will I have a happy life?
Every Valley Shall be Exalted -Handel's Messiah
"I have absolutely no idea what that might mean, but I know its a good thing!"
3. What do my friends really think of me?
Forever Autumn - Moody Blues
"Well, I have been known to be somewhat gloomy at times..."
4. Do people secretly lust after me?
Another White Dash - Butterfly Boucher
"I don't know any girls named Dash, or any guys for that matter, but supposedly another one does."
5. What does [insert significant other here] think of me?
Spin - Something Corporate
"I guess that means they see me as a politician, or a DJ. I prefer to be thought of as the latter."
6. How can I make myself happy?
These are the days - 10000 maniacs
"You mean I'm happy now? Well, that doesn't bode well for the rest of my life, now does it?"
7. What should I do with my life?
Bungle in the Jungle - Jethro Tull
"A surprisingly straightforward answer."
8. Why must life be so full of pain?
El Mariachi - Gypsy Kings
"I knew those dudes in the big sombreros had something to do with it!"
9. How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
When I Get Home - The Beatles
"When I get home what? Come on, don't hold out on me here!"
10. Will I ever have children?
O. Lover - Jason Mraz
"At first glance, that seemed to make sense. On second glance, no. It did not."
11. Will I die happy?
For Good - Wicked
"Ummm... I suppose thats okay..."
12. Can you give me some good advice?
Dr. Worm - They Might Be Giants
"I'm going to take that as meaning: Go see a psychiatrist. Screw you."
13. Do you know where your children are?
Rocky Raccoon- The Beatles
"Somewhere in the black mining hills of Dakota, I guess..."
14. What do you think happiness is?
Cigaro - System of a down
"This iTunes prophesy was brought to you by your friends at PhilipMorrisUSA."
Alright, that's all the fun I can handle.
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| Thursday, September 29th, 2005
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2:55 am - A Torch Song For Those of Us in the Blue Light
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How is it that a smokey voice, a cocked eyebrow and hip, and a man's tie, so out of place but so striking, can make me fall completely, unthinkingly in love? Am I really so lonely, so starved for the feel of smooth skin beneath my fingertips, soft hair against my chin, that I can't help but turn attraction into something else, something more emotional? Does it matter that her voice conjured up a dark nightclub for her to perform in, bathed her in blue light which scattered on her sequined dress? Does it matter that seeing her perform made me feel like I was the only one in that club, made me feel the scotch on the rocks in my hand? Does it matter that the illusion persisted, if only for the briefest of moments, in the stunned silence that followed? Yes, I am lonely, anyone can admit that, however, maybe this love, this futile, fantastic love, is a fragment of something else, a continuation of the wonderful dreamlife we shared, if only for the length of a song.
current mood: Maybe I just need a Girlfriend
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, September 26th, 2005
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11:18 pm
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| Thursday, July 28th, 2005
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10:33 pm - Just Who Do I Think I Am?
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So I did the impulsive tonight, honesty, eloquence, the whole sha-bang. I feel much better now (for the most part) even though the loneliness persists. To be quite honest though, I'm so startled and amazed by my sheer gumption, regardless of the results, that I feel a good five or six stone lighter.
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, June 11th, 2005
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11:44 pm - A Cry into the Darkness
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I don't know why, but at this moment, I feel more alone than I've ever felt. It has a lot to do do with the fact that I'm sitting in what remains of my room now that everything I own has been boxed and moved. Wandering through the empty dorm, seeing every window dark, I keep having the thought that there may be no one else out there. They might have all disappeared, and I'd never have even noticed. I can play my music as loud as I want, I can shout the lyrics to My Brilliant Feat and My Funny Valentine as loud as I want, and the only one that complains is my own sense of embarrassment.
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, June 7th, 2005
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2:14 am - Oh Mind, you so crazy!
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It seems simple enough: See information, process, and file away for later use, but apparently I'm not wired like that. I'm supposed to be detailing the decline and fall of Nikita Khrushchev, but October 14th, 1964, doesn't connect with this new information, and for obvious enough reasons, newer developments takes priority. And worst bit is the fact that this new stuff doesn't even involve me in the slightest, and yet I can guarantee it's going to get at least as much thought tonight as the Cuban Missile Crisis.
While I consciously realize that this is just another attempt on my mind's part to procrastinate, using think-time to go over this new material, my conscious mind, unfortunately, has no control over the fantastic mind, and thus I'll be thinking about something that isn't even my business all night long.
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, June 6th, 2005
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9:36 pm - YES! I would jump off a bridge!
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1. What's the first word that comes to mind when you think of me?
2. Go to http://images.google.com/ and search for that word.
3. Reply to this post with one of the pictures on the first page of results (don't tell me the word). Use an image tag, i.e. < img src="url.of.the.image.goes.here" >
4. Put this in your own blog so that I may do the same
current mood:  cheerful
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| Sunday, May 8th, 2005
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1:56 am - Blackthorne and Sake Bombs
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So it turns out I'm a happy drunk. Who would have thunk it...
current music: Under Pressure The Used/My Chemical Romance
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, March 31st, 2005
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2:39 pm - I don't usually go in for this kind of thing, but...
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iTunes Survey:
How many songs in total?
3795
Sort by Song Title; first and last?
First: _Inferno from the Divine Comedy (We performed that senior year, didn't we...)
Last: Zydeco from some Cirque du Soleil Soundtrack
Sort by Artist; first and last?
First: .hack//sign
Last: Ziggy Marley and Gypsy Kings
Sort by Time:
Shortest: sb_stiny 0:01 "Stiny! Get me a danish!"
Longest: Snowcrash Unabridged, Part 1 8:44:15
Sort by Album - first and last?
First: .Hack//Sign OST 1 Lame...
Last: Zoolander Lamer...
Top Ten Played Songs:
Such Great Heights - The Postal Service
Disease - Matchbox 20
hs_pee - Homestar "Seriously Pom pom... I'm about to pee my pants."
Laura - Scissor Sisters
Elias - Dispatch
When Doves Cry - Romeo and Juliet Sountrack
Come Undone - Duran Duran
Unwell (live acoustic) - Matchbox 20
Leave - REM
Gravity of Love - Enigma
Find "sex" - how many songs show up? 4
Find "death" - how many songs show up? 26
Find "love" - how many songs show up? 148
current music: Come Undone-Duran Duran
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| Tuesday, February 15th, 2005
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1:27 am - My Valentine's Project
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I made Peach Jello tonight. That's real love, isn't it? Not Hallmark cards or chocolate or even those little bits of blackboard chalk with cute phrases printed on them, just a big bowl of sweet, pink goo. Contentment in a box, just add hot water.
current music: Rock Me Amadeus-Falco
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